Lotus – the wankiest of F1 teams

I have heard that Raikonnen fans are a bit childishly defensive of him – so take note that this is nothing to do with him.

But do remember last year, when I criticised Renault – a lot – for being annoying?

They said – and I quote – that their 2011 car was “the brave end of brave”. That statement is certainly at the dickier end of dickishness.

Their Renault chap at the time also went on about how:

– their exhaust system was brave and oh so clever

(their exhaust system exploded. Twice.)

– their colour scheme was good.

The colour scheme! As if anyone cares about it.

They said that their black paint gave a lighter final painting weight of some grams or something, which could  ‘confer a weight saving’ of some sort to the car.

They said that Total logos were still red – while the other sponsor logos were black – because “3 colours are stronger than 2”. Not because Total insisted on red and it was down to money…

This year, they have maintained the overall level of head-ache-inducingly stupid PR, with some lovely by-proxy stupidity from their new sponsors.

Going on and on about how :

1) shampoo


2) deodorant / anti-perspirant

are JUST LIKE FORMULA ONE MOTOR RACING, will make any person seem like an idiot of the sort that always wears his bluetooth ear-piece outdoors, and says things like “Steve Jobs didn’t care about his biography other than being very specific about how the cover looked. Typical Jobs!”

In their actual real world of things that they allow to be said out of their own mouth, they say “Clear Men stands for efficacy, precision technology, and performance – and no other sport values precision performance technology like Formula 1,”

Oh yeah. The “precision technology” (yes) of shampoo is jjjjjjust like a multi-million pound racing car.

Personally I will buy far more anti-dandruff shampoo than I need this year – boxes of the stuff – for the sole purpose of feeling ‘part of Formula 1’.

Was that how the cretinous PR / marketing people were sold on the idea?

Do they believe that we, the mouth-breathing consumer, are that involved with our shampoo purchase – and that anyone under the age of 83 either has or is aware of dandruff?

If ‘Lotus’ could, once, keep their mouths shut about the positives of the team, it might help their credibility.

It may be the inherent French-ness in the team that leads them to trot out self-plaudit and empty belief, rather than do what the other teams do – speak with at least one ounce of humility.

“We must win but there are no definites in Formula 1 and our competitors will be strong”, is the usual kind of comment from other teams.

‘Lotus’ are saying that they can surely finish 4th in the championship and this is their fully realistic aim. What?

Let’s see if it works out just as fantastically as 2011, in which they were… so bad that no one knows exactly where they finished.

Now I’m going to wash my hair for the third time today with ‘Clear’ shampoo, so that I may “have the confidence to make a powerful impact, anytime, anywhere”, as the Clear PR man was quoted as saying.

Although that simply sounds as though the shampoo increases flatulence – anytime, anywhere – I am sure that he really believes it with his soul, and right now, is shopping for the most metallic-looking bluetooth ear-piece that he can find.



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